this is me, post knockout
For all of the fuddy fans out there. Here is a little snippet about me. I box. Problem is I am a terrible boxer. I have managed to climb the ranks of the wmbba (world man-beast boxing association), only to get knocked out in the second round by Zangief, a russian circus bear turned man-beater.
At first it was easy. My first match was against Sammy the snake. No problem there. Sammy couldn’t wear boxing gloves and he wasn’t even poisonous. Sammy’s a garter, I think.
Then I had a fight with Ronald the hawk thrasher squirrel. I think he got the name cause he beat up a hawk one time. You know, the squirrel was pretty tough. He kept running up my leg to give me a few good bops in the face and then would run down before I could react. He was fast. I eventually figured out this tactic and started to punch myself in the face when he latched on to it. I beat Ronald in the fourth round.
It went on and on like this for a while. A Canada goose, a zebra and a puffer fish are just some of the subsequent matches I had. Once I figured out their weaknesses, a win was inevitable. Then came the big match. The Championship!
the poster the promoter's used
I have to admit, I was a little worried. I heard some crazy things about Zangief. One guy told be to watch my ears. He said Zangief had a collection of human ears in his den from previous fights. ”Great” I thought.”I’m up against a bear who doesn’t want to bite my ear off, but keep it as a souvenir in his extensive EAR collection.” Some people have comic books, this guy has frickn’ ears! ‘No problem, I’ll wear a head band.”
Anyway, Zangief’s showboating at the beginning of the match didn’t help my confidence any. The crowd loved this guy. How could I compete with that.
Zangief mingles with the crowd while on his way to knock me out
Zangief had a cape. I didn’t have a cape. I really want a cape now. When the match started I decided I would use a more evasive style. Zangief wasn’t too quick on his feet so out maneuvering him was easy. I landed several solid blows the first round but Zangief wasn’t even phased by my meager assault. In the end I was KO’d by one punch. One stinking punch ended my career in the WMBBA. It’s okay though. I still have ears…both of them.
Erik Eldman (former contender for the World man-beast boxing association)
